To be or not to be

Exactly when do you decide that its time to give up? Does the misery level have its own indicator stick to alert you from the dangerous zones, or does it come with an on/off switch?

CAUTION: WHEN THINGS ARE AWFUL, TURN IT OFF.

Strange thing, misery is. When you are feeling awful because of the wonders and joys life has been dumping on you, when you feel like its bursting out, exceeding your tolerance, the brain thinks shedding a gallon of salt water is going to make things alright. And it actually does! Its almost magical! You try finding solace by talking about it to others, they render you a whining pig. You keep it to yourself and sulk, they call you a miserable bastard. No one really knows how exactly you handle this misery.

So, basically, miserable is just in the head? If you are not hurt physically, means you can't be hurt mentally too?

No. That's where my story begins. That my dear, is another giant package filled with multiple hopeless attempts, bad lucks, and accompanying misery.

It all started that one fine night, when my mother went into premature labor, and lost more water than she should have. The Doctors had already predicted that they could either save the child or the mother. There. Right there. The very beginning of every other horrible things my life has been constituted of. I was never meant to be born. I was supposed to die right then and there. But as fate would have it, I was brought into this earth, with horribly dry skin and bad snake-skin like patches all over my legs due to the excessive premature fluid loss. And two bad conditions of duck-feet along with unset bones knee-down.

Three years old, raining like cats and dogs, I get a bad case of green Diarrhea, being that young, body is supposed to give up. There. Another signal for me to say Good Bye. But, No, one lousy Doctor actually ends up saving my life. Hence, another anomaly.

MISSION ABORT! MISSION ABORT!

Fast forward to Eighth Grade.  Turns out my darling father has been having a fun-time with some whore from his office. There starts the drama of my adolescence. Endless name calling, endless fights. Not a moment of peace at home. Mom stayed back just for my sake. You know, how people reminisce about their firsts of experiences and fun during their adolescence? I can't even seem to remember mine properly. Its all sort of blurred from the endless tears my mother shed and from me having to wipe them off.
Ninth Grade, Dad gets two consecutive heart attacks in a go. Three major arteries blocked. The household becomes a panic room. I still remember how I was sitting  by his bedside when he tore off his pack of cigarettes and vowed that they were his last. I know, defines trauma.

Two months after his by-pass surgery, evidence showed he had his fun-time back on schedule. I planned on confronting him. Atleast in whatever way I could. He vowed on my sake that he had given up on that side. Three weeks later two boating tickets in his front pocket, and not for him and Mom.

Yeah, shit happens. He is my father. He promised on MY SAKE. HE LIED. Well, ERGO, Everybody Lies.


Come twelve-th grade, owh, the first big love. Believe me, it was bad enough already. He decided he was only as good as friends, SHATTERED HEART. Was thoroughly disturbed. Literally, cried myself to sleep every night.

Started college, old bestie from school confesses minor feelings for me. I decided I had moved on, though I really hadn't... A week into the relationship, he decides that he had changed! wow. What an excuse.

Sophomore year, start dating a guy, one moth, starts snogging a girl at a party after getting drunk. Comes back, tells me she is 0.5% a better kisser than I am. Great, isn't it?

Junior high in College, start liking a guy that way... finally thinking I am over my first big love... Turns out he is actually the exact typical asshole I thought him not to be.

Anyway, don't really know if these long list mishaps are just happenings or intervention of fate decided to make me miserable for entire of eternity?

Hence, I ask... is this as hard as it gets? When does it end? Does it ever end?

The Hot and The horny

This may seem like another déjà-vu, but definitely not a bad one. Actually, it might not be as impactful like the last one just yet! Hopefully it wouldn’t be a history repeating itself. This is whatever atleast is a great thing to have happened in a long time, 3 years too long a time. After all, the last one was an excruciatingly painful deep hole blown through my torso that took so long to put back together. But, unlike many other occurrences, the last one has taught me a huge lesson in life – to never presume and proceed but to hold back and understand first. Henceforth, I would say that I have been almost too cautious about letting my heart out or even remotely get close to anyone. The pain wasn’t worth it, I chased a mirage relentlessly, I was bound to crash at some point of time, so I did. Well, that glorious part of my prior experiences being shared, I don’t want to ever get back to that part my life again. I wish I hadn’t learnt this lesson so crude way in the first go itself. But whatever happens does so for a reason, in this case it was to make me forever cautious about any decision about anyone in my life. Enough about the past . Really!

Now, this ‘déjà-vu’ , I know this one from almost a year ago, I have even secretly mocked him with a friend and also one big thing, never been in a 5 feet vicinity of him. The latter being a primary reason for triggering this extremely complicated pre-occured and painful thought process. By some twisted work of fate we end up working together again after a whole year. Initially nothing happens, suddenly one wretched Saturday everything was different, he so much as sat behind me on a chair and took his glasses off and one stroke of hand through his scruffy hair and I felt like pinning him against the wall and raping him sore. Well apart from the part of carnal desires, things were different, I couldn’t look his way anymore without the brightest shade of red and suddenly I couldn’t control my senses when I took a whiff. Almost whenever he was around I forgot everything around, his smell stood out amidst all the others and appealed to me in a sweet yet murderous way. After a long time this was an inviting as well as refreshing feeling. What made all these feelings about him in particular so special was that he was this guy whom I could actually look up to and someone I could deeply respect from the bottom of my heart. He was this person who always would be 10x times the person I could ever become. But like any good guy he too has an absolutely messed up past which has constantly beaten his heart and change it into something entirely numb and his emotions have literally been sealed inside that numb. I know that I am not formidable enough to change his mind about considering the situation where he might want to be with me, no matter how much time I give the conditions to change. Then again, a girl can always hope and dream. And so I dream and imagine, oh yes I imagine things, I imagine myself doing things to him sort of immoral really, but a girl can dream! The situation  has reached such an extent that there is only so much time before I end up pinning him against a wall and assaulting him in public... and here comes the twist, there’s not a remorseful thought revolving this absolutely embarrassing thing that I contemplate on accomplishing!

If there is a God of any sort, as some people believe, well he/she is as if just sitting and enjoying with a bowl of popcorn or whatever they use during their movies... saying “suck it bitch!” I mean, its..oops he is just there, right there yet so very extremely unachievable, untouchable, so forbidden! It is almost extreme difficulty that I am facing to not be greedy. I might even have become greedy as well! It is like a gleaming beacon that is constantly pulling me towards itself. but the closer I get the farther my destination appears. Its almost like that forbidden fruit which hangs atop your head luring you and all you can do is sit and sigh. Oh .. the sighs..

Well, though things are pretty fast turning out just as the last one did.. you know, the usual, the not in your favour but still you are standing strong, looking at his one genuine smile which brightens up your deepest trenches in the sea of depression that is being nurtured in your mind. That one smile, shy..yet so very real, so very very warm and oh so attractive in all ways possible..physically and otherwise, that makes you think that how can you ever have enough of him? How can you ever stop falling deeper and deeper into him, how can you not start loving him –already..unconditionally?

That being said, definitely requires a saint to actually fulfil all the requirements. Since, very soon, the envy, the desire, and the lust takes over and all the senses surrender. That is when the real sadness occurs. You keep cursing destiny, fate, bad karma... whatever else you can blame . But ultimately you realize its no use blaming anyone, there are certain things which are just not meant to be. No matter how many times you try rebuilding it or reshaping it or just starting from scratch.. it will never stand. Somethings are just not meant to happen. Somethings are just supposed to be appreciated from afar. Some things shouldn’t be forced into happening, that just ruins whatever else was there! Someday you’ll be happy, some day you’ll stop regretting not having him in your life someday you will stop crying that he didn’t feel the way you wanted him to. But for now, I am just happy to see that one smile on his face that turns my entire week around. That keeps playing at the back of my mind for the next God knows how many weeks... well .. he is finding his way into normalcy.. I get to see that beautiful and breathtaking smile on his face and I am completely and absolutely satiated. My senses lose way and I keep losing myself a little more. Granted, that its slightly more difficult because then the desire to touch him starts invading and thats when things get worse, but that is all manageable... for now! What happens next.. only time can tell..!

The realisation

when can a person tell that its love? Is it that bad punch in the gut one fine morning or is it the slow and steady deterioration  of the kindle of hope . Anyway, its basically this bad and sucky form of shock that comes to you as a reminder that you are practically screwed for the rest of your life. Some people say that it can happen only once and practically last for the entire lifetime. But I think its the first time that hurts the most. The first sight would keep appearing in front of your eyes everytime you shut them, the first smile that would invariably succeed in making you shed atleast one drop  of tear down the cheek always you get reminded of anything. most people believe that true love is rare but not nonexistent. They believe that in a lifetime at some or other point, we are bound to find our missing halves, and when we do its so real and so overwhelming that it engulfs entire of your thoughts and you tend to do all the crazy stupid things being tagged so by so-called people in love.

Designs for a colourful wedding

weddings are really a very unique and quite often underrated as celebrations by people. It usually involves legitimate ceremony that would bind a man and a woman or a man and a man or a woman and a woman in the ties of love, responsibility and prosperity. Weddings are not only between two people, its between two families. They have to first be compatible with each other instead of being at mortal combat at any given moment.
In India, weddings are really as big a deal it gets. But being a third world country, the prevalence of the parents' decision has made the institution of marriage a very narrow minded affair.

hiya

 

A day less in vain..

Another day draws close... still moaning and writhing in pain... Why do I keep stumbling at the same wrong spot on the pavement...?? Everytime I console and tell myself that this time I'll learn from my mistakes if only I'm given a second chance..but I just keep making the same mistake again and again... I just keep expecting too much.. always...