This may seem like another
déjà-vu, but definitely not a bad one. Actually, it might not be as impactful
like the last one just yet! Hopefully it wouldn’t be a history repeating
itself. This is whatever atleast is a great thing to have happened in a long time,
3 years too long a time. After all, the last one was an excruciatingly painful
deep hole blown through my torso that took so long to put back together. But,
unlike many other occurrences, the last one has taught me a huge lesson in life
– to never presume and proceed but to hold back and understand first.
Henceforth, I would say that I have been almost too cautious about letting my
heart out or even remotely get close to anyone. The pain wasn’t worth it, I
chased a mirage relentlessly, I was bound to crash at some point of time, so I
did. Well, that glorious part of my prior experiences being shared, I don’t
want to ever get back to that part my life again. I wish I hadn’t learnt this
lesson so crude way in the first go itself. But whatever happens does so for a
reason, in this case it was to make me forever cautious about any decision
about anyone in my life. Enough about the past . Really!
Now, this ‘déjà-vu’ , I know this
one from almost a year ago, I have even secretly mocked him with a friend and also
one big thing, never been in a 5 feet vicinity of him. The latter being a
primary reason for triggering this extremely complicated pre-occured and
painful thought process. By some twisted work of fate we end up working
together again after a whole year. Initially nothing happens, suddenly one
wretched Saturday everything was different, he so much as sat behind me on a
chair and took his glasses off and one stroke of hand through his scruffy hair
and I felt like pinning him against the wall and raping him sore. Well apart
from the part of carnal desires, things were different, I couldn’t look his way
anymore without the brightest shade of red and suddenly I couldn’t control my
senses when I took a whiff. Almost whenever he was around I forgot everything around,
his smell stood out amidst all the others and appealed to me in a sweet yet
murderous way. After a long time this was an inviting as well as refreshing
feeling. What made all these feelings about him in particular so special was
that he was this guy whom I could actually look up to and someone I could
deeply respect from the bottom of my heart. He was this person who always would
be 10x times the person I could ever become. But like any good guy he too has
an absolutely messed up past which has constantly beaten his heart and change
it into something entirely numb and his emotions have literally been sealed
inside that numb. I know that I am not formidable enough to change his mind
about considering the situation where he might want to be with me, no matter
how much time I give the conditions to change. Then again, a girl can always
hope and dream. And so I dream and imagine, oh yes I imagine things, I imagine
myself doing things to him sort of immoral really, but a girl can dream! The
situation has reached such an extent
that there is only so much time before I end up pinning him against a wall and
assaulting him in public... and here comes the twist, there’s not a remorseful
thought revolving this absolutely embarrassing thing that I contemplate on accomplishing!
If there is a God of any sort, as
some people believe, well he/she is as if just sitting and enjoying with a bowl
of popcorn or whatever they use during their movies... saying “suck it bitch!”
I mean, its..oops he is just there, right there yet so very extremely
unachievable, untouchable, so forbidden! It is almost extreme difficulty that I
am facing to not be greedy. I might even have become greedy as well! It is like
a gleaming beacon that is constantly pulling me towards itself. but the closer
I get the farther my destination appears. Its almost like that forbidden fruit
which hangs atop your head luring you and all you can do is sit and sigh. Oh ..
the sighs..
Well, though things are pretty
fast turning out just as the last one did.. you know, the usual, the not in
your favour but still you are standing strong, looking at his one genuine smile
which brightens up your deepest trenches in the sea of depression that is being
nurtured in your mind. That one smile, shy..yet so very real, so very very warm
and oh so attractive in all ways possible..physically and otherwise, that makes
you think that how can you ever have enough of him? How can you ever stop
falling deeper and deeper into him, how can you not start loving him
–already..unconditionally?
That being said, definitely
requires a saint to actually fulfil all the requirements. Since, very soon, the
envy, the desire, and the lust takes over and all the senses surrender. That is
when the real sadness occurs. You keep cursing destiny, fate, bad karma...
whatever else you can blame . But ultimately you realize its no use blaming
anyone, there are certain things which are just not meant to be. No matter how
many times you try rebuilding it or reshaping it or just starting from
scratch.. it will never stand. Somethings are just not meant to happen.
Somethings are just supposed to be appreciated from afar. Some things shouldn’t
be forced into happening, that just ruins whatever else was there! Someday
you’ll be happy, some day you’ll stop regretting not having him in your life
someday you will stop crying that he didn’t feel the way you wanted him to. But
for now, I am just happy to see that one smile on his face that turns my entire
week around. That keeps playing at the back of my mind for the next God knows
how many weeks... well .. he is finding his way into normalcy.. I get to see
that beautiful and breathtaking smile on his face and I am completely and
absolutely satiated. My senses lose way and I keep losing myself a little more.
Granted, that its slightly more difficult because then the desire to touch him
starts invading and thats when things get worse, but that is all manageable...
for now! What happens next.. only time can tell..!
